so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
