Can i not drive my cunt home
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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