accomplished twins. life is a go
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
