I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
