Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
