my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
