Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
