guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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