dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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