Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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