This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
