ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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