just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
