You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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