Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
