i was born a porn star she said
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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