Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
