Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
