I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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