im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
