you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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