11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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