She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
soo... how was my night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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