Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
