He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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