i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
