The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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