is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
