I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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