I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
