I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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