Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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