my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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