Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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