Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
