yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Randomize
