Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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