So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
