Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
