Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
