i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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