Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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