Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
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Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
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I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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