dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
