The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
