Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
