Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
