I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
