Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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