If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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