If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Randomize
