My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
