3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
