i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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