Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
