I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
