You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
